Sonny the Alien: The Christmas Movie

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Earth Log Entry #2: Seasonal Cinema Hierarchies

Sonny discovered Christmas movies accidentally.

He turned on the television seeking background noise.

Instead, he found Jingle All the Way.

Sonny sat down immediately.

A well-built human male was yelling. Another human male, a postman, was also yelling.

A child desired an object of great importance.

“This appears to be a quest,” Sonny said.

The humans on screen competed aggressively for a toy.

There were lies. There were disguises. There was mild lawlessness.

Sonny leaned forward.

“Yes,” he whispered. “This is excellent.”

The door opened.

Chad entered, carrying a bag of gifts and some leftovers, clearly exhausted from a family Christmas gathering.

He stopped when he saw the television. “Are you watching…Jingle All the Way?”

“Yes,” Sonny said. “It is a Christmas film.”

Chad scoffed. “That movie sucks.”

Sonny turned slowly. “Sucks…how?”

“It’s not a real Christmas movie,” Chad said, tossing his keys on the table. “It’s dumb. It’s loud. It’s just Arnold yelling.”

On screen, Arnold yelled again.

Sonny gestured toward the television. “He is demonstrating urgency.”

Chad rolled his eyes. “There are way better Christmas movies.”

“Name them,” Sonny said calmly.

“Home Alone. Elf. Die Hard.”

Sonny considered this. “Those are also loud,” Sonny said, “and involve criminal behavior.”

“That’s different,” Chad said. “Those are classics.”

Sonny frowned slightly. “In this film,” Sonny said, “a father endures humiliation, conflict, and physical danger to provide joy for his offspring.”

The Turbo Man doll appeared. Sonny nodded approvingly. “This aligns with Christmas values.”

Chad stared. “You’re taking this movie seriously?”

“Yes,” Sonny said. “It contains competition, sacrifice, deception, redemption, and a parade.”

On screen, chaos escalated. Sonny smiled.

“This is not merely a movie,” he said. “It is a documentary about human scarcity mindset.”

Chad sighed and collapsed onto the couch. “You’re impossible.”

Sonny did not look away from the screen. “I am enjoying this,” he said. “A great deal.”

Sonny took out his Earth Log device and started tapping away.

Humans rank holiday films according to nostalgia rather than objective merit. Loudness is acceptable if it occurred during childhood. I will continue watching this movie annually. Chad says this is embarrassing. I find it festive.

Chad glanced at the screen again. “Okay, but Sinbad is kind of funny.”

Sonny nodded and smirked slightly. “Progress,” he said.

How to Get Banned Forever from Facebook for Absolutely No Reason (A Guide)

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Looking to get permanently banned from Facebook for absolutely no reason?

You’re in the right spot.

In this guide, I’ll walk you through how to get banned quickly and efficiently—so you can free up time for things that actually matter.

On second thought…

I have absolutely no idea how I got permanently banned from Facebook.

No warning.

No explanation.

No appeal.

Just poof—gone.

I assume I deeply offended one of their bots.

Which is impressive, because I don’t remember doing anything at all.

Damn.

Now how am I supposed to watch people I don’t talk to argue about things I don’t care about?

Sonny the Alien: The Gym x2

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Earth Log Entry #1: A Prohibition Against Doubling

Sonny had been on Earth exactly one week when he discovered something magical: The gym.

A place where humans voluntarily lifted heavy objects and grunted like territorial moose. Sonny felt right at home.

He went once in the morning. He enjoyed it. A lot. So naturally…he wanted to go again.

He slipped on a shirt, laced up his shoes, and was halfway out the door when Chad intercepted him like a panicked football cornerback. “Bro-bro-bro-BRO. You can’t go to the gym twice in one day.”

Sonny froze. “Why not?”

Chad blinked. Then blinked again. “Well…it’s weird, dude.”

Sonny looked genuinely concerned. “Weird… how?”

“You’ll be THAT Guy,” Chad said, waving his iced coffee around dramatically. “The overachiever guy. The too-much guy. The employees will notice. They’ll judge you.”

Sonny nodded slowly like Chad had just revealed deep Earth wisdom. “Earth custom prohibits…doubling?”

“It’s not a RULE,” Chad said. “It’s just…NOBODY does that.”

Sonny tilted his head, processing. “But…I enjoyed it. I simply wish to enjoy it twice.”

“Yeah, that’s the problem,” Chad said.

Sonny’s eyes widened. “There is a limit on joy?”

“No! No, not joy—just gyms. You can’t be a ‘two-a-day guy.’ People talk.”

Sonny stared at him with deep alien sincerity. “Chad…humans are fragile.” Then he walked out the door anyway.

Later, he returned glowing—literally a slightly brighter shade of #e88368—and talked aloud as he wrote an entry into his Earth Log device:

Humans possess many prohibitions. Gym duplication appears to be one of them. I do not understand. I enjoyed both visits.

Chad muttered under his breath as he swiped on a dating app, “Of course you did.”

Movies and TV Shows Not Being Filmed Where They’re Set

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Would it shock you—shock you to your very core—to learn that CSI: Miami wasn’t actually filmed in Miami?

That The Office wasn’t filmed in Scranton?

That Seinfeld… wasn’t even filmed in New York City?

Nope. All of them were shot in, you guessed it, Los Angeles.

Now, I get it. Logistically it makes sense. LA has the crews, the studios, the sunshine, the palm trees that can play “generic palm trees” in any show from Hawaii to Florida. It’s cheaper. It’s easier. They’ve got fake city backdrops like Walmart has potato chips—every flavor, every style.

But still…part of me feels robbed. Like I just found out my favorite steakhouse has been microwaving my T-bones.

When I watch CSI: Miami, I want the heat, the humidity, the real deal palm trees swaying while they chase some sunglasses-wearing villain through the streets. Not “Los Angeles with a couple of strategically placed flamingos.”

When I watch The Office, I want to smell the paper mill, hear the awkward small-town chatter, and see a Dunkin’ Donuts that actually looks like it’s been there since the ‘80s.

When I watch Seinfeld, I want real NYC chaos. I want honking taxis, pushy bagel shop owners, and the constant fear of being run over by a messenger bike. Not a California soundstage with a “pretend garbage can” in the corner.

I know the magic of TV is that it feels real even when it isn’t…but c’mon. Can’t we film at least a few episodes where the show actually takes place?

Because right now, no matter what I watch, it all looks like Los Angeles in a Halloween costume.

Why Aren’t Windshield Wipers Two Inches Higher on the Windshield?

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Here’s a question that hits everybody in the Midwest right in the frostbitten soul:

Why aren’t windshield wipers mounted like…two inches higher on the windshield?

Just two inches.

Not a revolution in engineering.

Not a redesign from the ground up.

Just…lift the damn things a little closer to the warm air blasting out of the defroster.

Because here’s a shared human experience:

You get in your car on a winter morning, fire it up, hit the wipers…

SCHKKKKKRRRRK.

Nothing.

Frozen.

Locked in ice like a prehistoric mosquito.

So you sit there, shivering, rubbing your hands together like you’re about to cast a spell, waiting for the air to warm up the glass and do its magic.

But the heat only reaches almost far enough.

Almost.

It shoots right above the wiper line—the exact area where the ice is holding your wipers hostage.

A cosmic joke.

A design flaw.

A test from the universe to see if you’re a patient man or a windshield-scraper berserker.

And every winter I’m sitting there thinking:

We’ve put men on the moon.

We’ve built computers that fit in our pockets.

We’ve created AI that can help us write blog posts about windshield wipers. 🤣

But we can’t give these wipers a little boost?

A two-inch promotion?

A raise in rank?

Is there a secret engineering reason? Aerodynamics? Manufacturing standards? Some ancient auto-industry tradition no one questions anymore?

Or is it one of those things everyone just accepts even though it makes zero sense—like neckties, or the fact that grocery carts always have one wheel possessed by demons?

All I know is this:

Every winter morning is a reminder that sometimes the world is built almost right…

And sometimes you have to ask the question nobody else is asking.

Raise the wipers. Raise the standards. Raise everything.

Even two inches can change your entire view.